Did you know that around 50% of marriages end in divorce? Not every strained marriage has to end divorce. You can often rebuild connections by working on communication, and you can reconnect with your spouse through relationship building and know each other again.
Growing apart can be slow, and the effects are devasting. Take the time to reconnect with your spouse through meaningful conversations. Remembering why you got together is a great place to start. Do you know your spouse today? Are you aware of their hopes for the future? Answering questions like these are just the start of reconnecting.
As the kids get older and you have more time, finding new ways to fill that time can be easy. Why not use some of that time to reconnect with your spouse? In this post, we look at nine ways to reconnect. You may like to action these steps in separate catch-ups or read through the post and find ways to connect in a less planned way.
Here is a link to the original seven-part video series.
As the kids get older and you have more time, finding new ways to fill that time can be easy. Why not use some of that time to reconnect with your spouse? The original Instagram posts were a seven-week series, and here we look at nine ways to reconnect. You may like to action these steps in separate catch-ups or read through the post and find ways to connect in a less planned way.
We will look at
The Importance of communication
What attracted you to your spouse?
Food – what food does your spouse like now?
Reflect on those memories you have made together.
Looking at me and our hopes for the future?
Reconnect with your spouse by dating your spouse
Reconnect through Kissing and Physical Touch
Setting goals for a stronger relationship connection?
Finally, here are some steps you can take today.
The Importance of Communication
A primary key to a successful connection is communication. By communication, I mean listening with the intent of hearing and not just responding.
When you respond, start by restating what your spouse said, showing each other that you have listened with intention.
Remember to keep your responses positive and friendly.
We will start by looking back to where it all began and then move to today, focussing on where each of you is now and doing life together.
We will look at some practical ways to build connections and choose your marriage as a priority in your life.
Looking for more tips on communication? We have a post covering, the Couples Communication guide.
What attracted you to your spouse?
I want to start at the very beginning, and you can do this by spending time thinking about who your spouse was when you first met them; there were at least one but properly more reasons that sent you down the path of dating your now spouse, let you your mind drift back to a day when your romance was new, what about your spouse attracted you to them?
Why did you date them?
There were certain things beyond but not excluding their good looks that attracted you to each other in the beginning. Take some time to reflect on those things, and over the next few days, take the time to really watch your spouse and look for those things that you fell in love with.
Was it their smile, sense of humour or adventure?
Were they so hot they drove you wild?
What about being with them made it so desirable?
Was it their beliefs and the way they lived their lives?
Or their hobbies and shared interests?
The years may have changed the person you love in some ways; remember, you are not the same person either. Life may have changed who you see today, but if you look, you can find things to love and respect, including some of those traits from the very beginning. Take the time to look for those things, and if it is a little hard to see, then take the time to see who they have become today.
Here is the direct link to video 1
Action Step
Ask yourself
What are three reasons you got together with your spouse?
Who is your spouse now?
In point one, we acknowledged that events over the years may have impacted them. We may find it hard to see that person we fell in love with; take some time to find out who your spouse is today.
When having a conversation like this, practice asking open questions and listening to hear, not just respond. Respond by reinstating what you are hearing and affirming the positives. Once you have shared what you enjoy, take the time to see if you could share an activity you are already doing or try something new for both of you.
Action Step
Here are some conversation starters – if you are nervous about what you may hear, start with questions you will be ok with the answers for.
What are your interests and hobbies?
Is there something you like doing for downtime?
What is your favourite movie or style of movies?
If you could plan a perfect day, what would it look like?
What are three things you are grateful for at the moment?
Who is your most valued friendship?
How do you see love and affection at the moment?
What is something you have done lately you are really proud of?
If you could change one thing in your life, what would it be?
Tell me about your biggest dream at the moment?
Where would we go if we could go on holiday tomorrow and you had control of the itinerary?
If you could improve one thing about yourself, what would it be??
What is something that you think we could try together?
Keep an ear out for things you could do together, watch that show or movie, plan that perfect day or start working towards making those holidays a reality.
Set a time to catch up and find out what you are both interested in today.
Here is the direct link to video 2
Food – what food does your spouse like now?
If I were to ask you what your spouse’s favourite food is, would you know the answer off the top of your head?
Often when we have done life together for a long time, we take for granted that we know all the basics about each other. Over time we find new flavours, our tastes change, or we may have grown tired of our old favourites. I know Phil loves food and talking about what he enjoys. Take some time to have a conversation about food, and you may end up on a date as a result of it. What a great way to reconnect with your spouse 😉
Action Step
Continuing with getting to know each other, take some time to check how you both feel about food?
Have you discovered some new favourites?
Is there a food you no longer enjoy?
Would you say you are more sweet or savoury regarding snacks?
What meal have you enjoyed lately?
Once you have touched base with your favourites, why not schedule a time where you enjoy each other’s favourite meal…oh and don’t forget to include all the good things that you eat like dessert, cakes and snacks.
Here is the direct link to video 3
Reflect on those memories you have made together.
Over the years as husband and wife, you have shared times that are terrific memories. Take a moment to focus on those, to spend some time reflecting on the good times you shared and the feelings they bring back about your spouse.
Why not take some time to sit with your spouse and take a stroll down memory lane? As you start sharing those good experiences, you never know that you may start dreaming about future opportunities to create more memories.
Sometimes these memories may include a misadventure, how you got through it together, and the ways you supported each other.
Action Step
Reflecting on these memories is about focussing on your spouse’s positive role during the situation and how you felt.
Where was your favourite holiday together?
Look at what made it so memorable?
What misadventures do you remember from our holidays?
How do you think we worked well in that situation?
If we went away together, where would you want to go?
Here is the direct link to video 4
Looking at me and our hopes for the future?
Bongaree Jetty
As we get older, we all have a picture of what we want our relationship to be or how we feel it could be.
When things aren’t going how we want or think they should, we often focus on what our spouse is doing wrong or not doing. We try nagging and finger-pointing, but this does not usually bring about the change we desire, so let’s change focus and work on building hope.
In the bible in Matthew 7:3-5, Jesus talks about how we should remove the plank from our own eye before we help remove the speck from another’s eye. We should look at ourselves before pointing out our spouse’s faults.
As a husband or a wife, what about you do you need to deal with?
What behaviour or choices can you make today to help you see your relationship change for the better?
Often as we deal with our issues and make decisions to look for positives in our spouses, we find the atmosphere changes, and our attitude may also change.
Action Step
What are three things your spouse did today that you are grateful for or that made you smile?
How is your future looking?
Are you and your spouse on the same page, dreaming in the same direction?
I want to encourage you to discuss your hopes and dreams for the future, discuss ways to move forward in unison, and work together to combine your future goals.
If this seems too big a task, I encourage you to find someone to help you or seek counselling and work through the issues. You may need individual counselling to deal with your own stuff. And couples counselling would allow you to work through what you need to work together, to truly help you reconnect and build a brighter future.
Here is the direct link to video 5
Reconnect with your spouse by Dating your spouse
We made it – Curtis Falls is worth the walk
When was the last time you went on a date as a couple?
As you read through the above points, I am sure you have had memories of times spent just the two of you. Why not plan a date for just the two of you very soon.
When our kids were little, we had a family who often babysat so Phil and I could go out on a date. As our kids have grown up, we still make time for just the two of us.
We make a point of doing the shopping or errands together, but we also try and crave times when we do something special.
Some of our dates are inspired by our early days, like getting takeaway chicken and chips and heading to a river. We have a regular date when Phil comes home from work; this is a good time together before he gets home and the draw of others wanting his attention. Others dates may be trying something new or taking up a unique opportunity, like seeing a show or exhibition.
Action Step
What are some of your favourite dates from the early days you could take inspiration from?
Set up a date or two and decide who will organise each one
Is there a movie or show you have wanted to see?
When was the last time you both went out for a meal together?
Here is the direct link to video 6
The power of Compliments
When was the last time you looked at your spouse and had a genuinely positive thought come to mind? Did you let them know?
There is a saying that what you feed grows, and the same goes for your marriage. If you have gotten into the habit of only seeing the things that annoy you, it will be those things that you will see all the time. You can change that. It may take a bit of work at first, and what you see may be small, but over time, the more you look for positives and share them, the more you see them.
When was the last time you thanked your spouse for doing things around the house? I know I am guilty of not doing this enough. As a partnership, we are responsible for building each other up and just think how would you feel if your spouse said thank you for what you do; I see you.
Next time you notice them doing something around the house, take a moment to thank them and let them know you appreciate what they are doing to help out.
Action Step
Why not make complimenting each other part of your couple’s daily routine. Take the time to compliment and build each other up and share good things about your day. That way, you can support, celebrate and laugh, which builds intimacy and strengthens the relationship.
If you have a shared faith, then why not spend time connecting by talking about your faith and praying together.
What are three things you are grateful for about your spouse?
Are there jobs you are thankful that you don’t have to do because your spouse does them?
What is one thing about their appearance you could compliment today?
Is there something new they are trying? Cheer them on by encouraging their progress.
Have you told them how proud you are of how they provide for the family and how hard they work?
Reconnect through Kissing and Physical Touch
Remember when you were first dating, and you couldn’t wait for the next time you got to hold each other and make out. How long has it been since you hugged, kissed or made passionate love?
Some physical touch is essential to show love? It is crucial for our physical and mental health. We have all heard stories of children in overcrowded orphanages who died because they never received any physical touch, but our marriage does not have to suffer the same fate.
Did you know kissing is not just physical and good for building intimacy but kissing causes our bodies to release oxytocin hormone, dopamine, and serotonin chemicals that help reduce stress and boost overall physical and mental health?
Did you know a kiss can burn anything from 2-20 calories per minute, depending on the intensity and passion?
I want to focus on the point about kissing, and physical touch helping build intimacy and deepen connections.
There is research shows that the need or want to be passionate all the time in a relationship drops after the first few years, but we can choose to keep kissing in our daily show of affection.
Research has also found that the intimacy of kissing can be lost even if sex is still present in a relationship. Kissing can heighten sexual encounters, increase a woman’s orgasm and build intimacy. Who wouldn’t want that?
Researchers say couples should aim to kiss at least three (3) times a day, with one passionate kiss lasting at least seven seconds to help build intimacy and connection.
Reasons to bring back the kiss
Kissing is one of the best ways to build intimacy.
It brings desire and arousal into the relationship
Kissing is a non-verbal way to say I love you, choose you and want you
It is good for both of your health
Kissing is fun!
Action Step
As you reconnect with your spouse and are ready, why not set a 30-day kiss challenge? Aim to kiss three times a day, and remember to include a passionate kiss of at least 7 seconds.
Setting goals for a stronger relationship connection?
WOW, Now you have a list of things to try and places to visit. You both have an idea of what you want your future to look like. Why not take some time to set goals to work towards.
Reconnecting with each other can be fun and exciting, and living your best lives with joy and passion is my prayer for you.
You are choosing to be proactive in prioritising your relationship and committing with your spouse to do life together.
Stairs to your future
Action Step
To build up the habit in the short term, consider setting aside time in your day to have a compliment and positive catch-up.
By setting goals for a stronger relationship connection, you are not only putting in the effort to reconnect, but together you are encouraging change in how you see the world.
What things can you work on from the list above to improve how you each show up?
When do you want to do something exciting together?
How many dates are you going to go on in the three months and who gets to organise them (take turns).
Setting goals sounds so formal, but I suggest using goals to get on the same page and a way for you guys to reconnect in a fun way that works for you and gives you confidence going into the future.
Finally, here are some steps you can take today.
If you feel you want to do some of the work on yourself first, there are some tips you can work on today to start making a positive change.
- Start by looking back, look for glimpses of those things in your spouse, and make an effort to be more grateful and positive.
- Pay your spouse a compliment and thank them for the things they are doing.
- Find out your spouse’s favourite meal and cook it one night.
- Pray for your spouse, you and your relationship together.
- Get help to work on you and shift your mental perspective if needed.
As we go about our day-to-day lives, we can get so distracted by the immediate that it is easy to let essential relationships die. Maybe you feel this is too hard to do on your own. If that is the case, please find support to help you reconnect, whether you find a trusted mentor or a councillor who will encourage you as you work to save your marriage.
