Being kind has become a bit of a cliche lately, but when you look at daily life, those times when people are kind to us really buoy us up and breathe life into our often weary souls. If we think about marriage, doesn’t it make sense that kindness would be a key to the health of our relationship?
It is said it is easier to be kind to strangers than to those we live with. How can we choose to include more kindness in our actions with our mates, family, friends and even those we work with? It is about putting the other person first and looking for the good…even if it could be hard to see at the moment. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, Kind is an adjective using words like generous, helpful and caring about other people. In short being, Kind is a positive thing. Being kind is more about simple, selfless gestures and less about grand gestures.
Whether you’ve been married for 1 year or 40 years, you can always choose to be kinder to your spouse. If your marriage is in a rough patch or you’re just looking for ways to improve your relationship, this post is for you.
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How being Kind to yourself benefits others
Kindness in the midst of conflict
Why is kindness important?
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When we have been together for a while, we form a level of familiarity with each other and with the familiarity comes a letting down of your guard. Letting down our guard can also lead to being less polite, or we allow the day to influence how we respond, with no holds barred. Who do you feel you can be most yourself with, and how does that change how you act around them? When we go out in public, just like dressing for the occasion, our behaviour can be modified for that setting. It is often said that it is easier to be kind to strangers than it is to those we are close to. I think we can change that mindset and create new habits to show more kindness to those we love and do life with.
When we are kind to people, we show them value. We go out of our way to let them know they are noticed, thought of, and loved. Being kind can boost feelings of confidence, happiness and optimism. Your behaviour may encourage others to show kindness, thus contributing to a more positive world.
A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (Luke 6:25 NIV). We all have to choose how we go about life, including how we think about those around us. Luke reminds us that we speak what our hearts and minds are full of.
How being Kind to yourself benefits others
Do you know the saying you can’t give from an empty vessel? The older I get, the more I understand how important it is to find ways to be kind or show ourselves, love. If we are tired, feel sad or lack confidence, it will make being kinder harder than it has to be; it is ok to take time out to refill your own tank from time to time. I am becoming more aware of the importance of self-care. When we look after ourselves, we feel better; we are saying to those we are doing life with, “I want to give you the best version of me”, and your tank will have more to give.
Self-care could mean eating more nutritious food, reading a good book, exercising, or meeting up with friends. If you are feeling that counselling is needed, take the time, to be honest with your spouse and see if you find a way to make it happen. When we deal with stuff that is holding us back, we have the space to receive more positivity and have room for more kindness for others. This is about doing things that help you see the world more positively.
Ways to be Kind to your Mate
OK, we have thought about being kinder; we have looked at how self-love can help to fill our tank and be ready to show more kindness to our mate. You guys are on the same team and always want to build up and encourage our teammates. Here are a few ideas to get started.
Tell your mate what you appreciate about them
Take the time to understand where your spouse is and what they are going through
Be courteous and loving when you speak to them
Every so often, put their choices above your own, even when it is inconvenient
Surprise them with a treat you picked up while you were out
Create space for some quality time together
Find things that make you both laugh
Show affection through physical touch
Text them to let them know you are thinking of them
Support and encourage your mate in everything
Establish boundaries within your relationship. Setting healthy boundaries can make communicating without hurting each other’s feelings easier and give you an exit card during conflicts to calm down.
When your mate is speaking, listen and answer with open questions. Want to know more about communication? Check out our Communication Guide blog.
Make a habit of thinking about everything you like about your lover, making disagreements easier to navigate.
Kindness in the midst of conflict
I know it can be hard to show kindness in the heat of an argument, but it is in these moments the work you put in on good days will pay off and help turn the tide. Kindness is easier said than done.
Here are some points to help us navigate those days when the negative is trying to win out.
Take a moment to understand your spouse. We let our guard down with those we live with; sometimes, our conflicts become the emotional dumping ground for other things we deal with. Considering your spouse and their feelings may be challenging, but it is worth it. We can assume we know what our mate is going through, but give them space to tell you.
Keep your voice calm and understanding.
Show your mate respect and allow them room to say what they need. Try not to get too defensive.
If you feel like you are about to lose it and you may end up saying something you will regret, step away and excuse yourself by saying something like, “Yes, we need to work this out, but I need a moment so I don’t say something that will hurt you or make things worse”.
Keep short accounts and be quick to forgive. We all make mistakes, and a marriage is about being on the same page, not competing. A simple “I’m disappointed that this happened, but I love you, and I forgive you” will help you move on. For more on Apologies, check out this post.
I found this quote by Dr Julie Gottman. “Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”
Kindness inspires Kindness
When we are kind to someone, we have the potential to inspire them to do acts of kindness. It may have been a while since you and your spouse said a kind word to each other, but you can change your mindset and behaviour today. We can wait for the other person to step up and get frustrated at them for not reading our minds, or we can step up and show them kindness. Even in the face of harshness, our change starts with us. Here are 3 helpful tips to help you see your mate as someone worthy of your kindness.
Think positively; as mentioned above, what is in our heart is what we speak and drives our actions, so take some time to think good thoughts about your lover regularly, which will help you with your words and actions.
Take time to accept responsibility for your feelings; we can sometimes think that others are responsible for our feelings, behaviour and achievements, but at the centre of all this is our feelings, which drive our actions. I know it is often easy to just go with the flow and say what you want in the heat of the moment, but it is harder to take back harsh words once they are out. By checking your heart, you can express your hurt with kindness; thus, making up will be easier when the time comes.
Stay Hopeful, and believe in your relationship and marriage. While you see hope, you will be inspired to fight through kindness. Do underestimate small beginnings.
Being Kind in your daily life.
We have looked at how we can bring kindness into our marriages. Let’s finish by looking at 11 ways we can be kind through random acts.
Pay strangers compliments as you go about your day
Buy a stranger a coffee or pay for the order of the car behind you in the drive-thru line
Send someone a note of encouragement
Volunteer and bring your best happy presence
Bake a treat for your neighbours
Give someone flowers, just to let them know you are thinking of them
Tell those who serve you how grateful you are for what they do
Pick up some rubbish at the park
Share a positive song with people to encourage them
Send someone a small gift
Compliment those you work for and with
