The Couple’s Communication Guide

When a husband and wife communicate openly, amazing things can happen within their relationship, but If they let miscommunication reign, there is the risk of shutdown, and things could go from bad to worse. How a couple communicates can make or break the relationship. The couple’s communication guide has tips to help you communicate lovingly.

What is communication?

Communication is the transfer of information and one way to build a healthy relationship. When we think about communicating, we often focus on spoken words, but there is much more to express our 

thoughts, feelings, faith and dreams. Body language, tone, eye contact and gestures all play a part.

When we combine verbal and non-verbal communication, we allow the listener not just to hear our words but get to see how they affect us, and this picture has the potential to build up or confuse and shut down.

If we hold back when communicating, we risk shutting down, building walls and allowing miscommunication to cause riffs, and I know this is not usually anyone’s desire.

 

Listening is as essential as speaking.

Communication is a two-way street. Communication is not just about speaking. We also have to listen. We need to listen not just to respond but to hear what the other person is saying. Asking open questions and clarifying questions help us to hear and understand.

An open question is asked in a way that encourages longer answers.

A clarifying question is asked to help us understand what has been said through further questions, often reinstating what we heard.

Communication often happens by phone, text, email, letter, and other non-face-to-face ways, so our intent can be harder to share and easier to miscommunicate. When non-verbals are missings, we need to be clear in using our words. As the receiver, if the intent can be misunderstood, always ask for clarity.

Reasons Why Communication is Important

Over time we get busy and have kids to look after. We think we know the person we are doing life with, but as we get older, we all grow, and interests change, and before we know it, it’s been days, months, or even years since we have had a heart to heart conversation with our spouse and don’t understand the changes we are seeing.

No matter how well you know and love your spouse, you cannot read their mind. The more interest you show in your spouse, the more you know what is important to them, and you genuinely want to see them shine. The other side of the coin is that honest, open communication allows you both to share your hurts and struggles, and then together, you can work to heal or rebuild as needed with the best support you could ask to have.

The Dangers of miscommunication

There are many reasons why communication fails. 

1.  We listen to respond instead of hearing what the person says. Our spouse may not be looking to solve a problem; they may need to vent or hear you say that sucks, but I believe in you and support you. I love you. 

2.  We speak a different love language or apology language, which plays into how we share our dreams, hope and difficulties; it may get lost in interpretation.

3. Our busyness or overwhelm gets in the way of hearing entirely, so we can love, support, and encourage our spouse wholeheartedly. If we don’t make time to communicate, we will listen to what we want and miss in the actual intent.

 4. When miscommunication becomes a part of the relationship, it can affect even the smallest conversations. The fear of not being heard, judged or portrayed as stupid, helpless or incapable can become a barrier built over years of not being listened to. Your attempt to communicate is then lost in the flawed process.

Tips to improve your communication

1. Make time regularly to talk without interruptions from other people, and turn off phones, computers, television, or anything else that may distract you.

 

2. Watch your tone. Try and be aware of your inflections.

3. Take deep breaths when getting frustrated and then calmly reframe what you want to say.

 4. Keep your body language open, relax and maintain eye contact.

5. Ask open-ended questions that allow your spouse to share a longer answer.

6. Don’t interrupt each other; allow the space to say what is needed.

7. When you need to express your hurt in a situation, use “I” statements such as “I need”, “I want”, and “I feel” rather than “you” statements.

8. Take the time to listen to hear, not to respond. It is not always about the answer, but knowing you have listened to that can keep communication open. Instead of responding with solutions, it may be more helpful to use clarifying questions to help you understand what is needed.

9. If working through difficulties, Stay solution-focused rather than problem-focused, and offer what if we… or I could… solutions instead of forcing responsibility on your spouse.

10. Saying I don’t know the answer is honest and should be welcomed. This may signify that the subject needs more thought and time or even be dropped altogether.

11. Don’t be afraid to apologise and take responsibility for your actions and choices. Take the time to learn each other apology language.

12. Sometimes, it is best to agree to disagree and let it go. 

13. Always look for positive attributes in your spouse or relationship and share them.  

Benefits of Good Communication

The benefits of working on good communication are endless, and here are a few ideas.

1. It helps clear up misunderstandings. You can understand and move on by clarifying what is being said together. 

2. Together, you move in the same direction and get on the same page.

3. Removes the guesswork on how you are each feeling or thinking.

4. It helps you get to know each other more deeply.

5. Builds respect and trust; it allows you to choose to love your spouse all over again.

6. Open communication is a great mood enhancer and helps to build intimacy. The benefits are endless.

7. The more you learn about each other, the more respect you share and the easier it will be to support your spouse.

8. As a result, you will become more present during other conversations, and your sharpened skills will flow into your other relationships.

Conversation Starters

Whether you set aside a particular time or a casual catch-up over a cuppa, enjoy the process and learn to make talking a regular part of your life together.

Do you feel like you don’t know where to begin? Check out the examples below, combine them with the tips above and remember to take your time.

How was your day?

What are three things you are grateful for?

If you could design our weekend, what we would we do?

What is your favourite meal at the moment?

A perfect day, what would it look like?

What gives you peace?

What is your favourite part of the day?

Tell me something you are proud of about yourself?

What would you like to do better?

How do you see affection in your life at the moment?

What are our strengths as a couple?

What do we do well together?

Is there something we could do for each other daily?

What are three relationship goals you would like to see us work on?

Share one thing I have done recently you thought was kind and thoughtful?

What kind of memories do you want to make with me?

How would you want our life to be like in 10 years?

Communication plays a massive role in our daily lives, and we need to foster excellent communication in our marriages. A good relationship counsellor will help you build these skills and work through any issues to help you create a clean slate if you feel this is needed.