Dr Gary Chapman is a pastor, counsellor, author and speaker; his book the five love languages was first published in the 1990s and has been republished in many forms and languages since. The Five languages book has sold over twenty million copies and has been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007.
Most people have heard of the 5 love languages or at least the concept of different ways of giving and receiving love. The idea of The Five Love Languages was such a wonderful gift to the world and a relationship game changer. Have you ever wondered why your offering of love has gone unaccepted? How you show love and receive love could be different to that of your lover. For example, you may enjoy giving gifts to your family and friends but prefer when they offer love it is in encouraging words of affirmation. Most people have more than one love language, and one is more prominent than the others. We are able to receive all the love languages, but we often have one that speaks louder than the others.
The Five Love Languages Overview
The five love languages have helped millions of people. After years of trying to understand my love language, doing the quiz below helped Phil and I know how to express love to each other in ways that hit the mark. God has made us each unique, and learning how we give and receive love is all part of accepting our God Given Uniqueness. This post will examine basic definitions and how to use these simple but profound languages to love your lover and mate in ways you may not have shown since you were dating.
Words of affirmation, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, Quality Time & Physical Touch these five phrases can bring more love, respect and understanding to any relationship. Knowing who you are and how you see the world can help you have grace when those around you express themselves in a way that does not resonate with you. When we are dating, and even in the honeymoon stage, we use all the languages to express our love. Once we feel secure in the relationship, we tend to return to our natural way of expressing love; this could be misinterpreted and misunderstood, but it does not mean you love them any less. It does not have to be that way, which is why learning to speak your mate’s language is a vital part of your relationship arsenal.
Understanding our primary love language and our spouses can help us love, honour and respect each other more deeply. If we get it wrong, it can help us forgive and not hold grudges for what we perceive as shortcomings. Let’s take a look at each Love Language and how we can express them.
Words of affirmation
Using positive words to give your loved one a compliment or meaningful praise is, in essence, what words of affirmation are. As the title suggests the emphasis is on how we use words to express ourselves to the other person.
So how can we express words of affirmation in a way that can be heard?
Tell don’t show your love, say it often and tenderly, and keep it simple; it is not about becoming a bard; it is about heartfelt communication of love and affection.
I know when hearing the word “words”, I think spoken words, but oh, how ripped off we are if we stop there. We can express words through a card, a song, a poem or a quote we have found while scrolling; this is about the words more than how they are delivered.
Ideas for expressing Words of Affirmation
“I love you.”
“You look great today.”
“I was impressed when you. . .”
“It meant so much to me when you. . .”
“I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you for. . .”
“I appreciate it when you. . .”
“You inspire me.”
Acts of Service
“Acts of service are actions that can be physically done in order to make a significant other feel cared for”; this is how psychiatrist Dr Saltz so beautifully described this Language. A Physical action of an inward longing to express love.
Just like all of these expressions of love, Acts of Service do not have to be all grand gestures; they can be as simple as making your love a cuppa. This is the perfect language to let your chivalrous side shine by opening doors or paying for dinner. It is those often small everyday things that can make your lover feel seen, appreciated, and of course, loved.
Ideas for expressing Acts of service
Opening the car door for your spouse
Allowing your spouse to enter the door you opened first
Cleaning or helping with the washing up
Yard work
Cooking
Helping with jobs
Taking care of pets or children.
Filling up the car, even if you don’t always drive it
Receiving Gifts
This one may seem obvious, but there is so much we can do to make it a regular part of our love-expressing routine. Yes, this person may look forward to special times like birthdays, Christmas and anniversaries, but don’t underestimate the power of a surprise present like their favourite chocolate or flowers, just because.
Be intentional with small, well-thought-through gifts. If they are to be wrapped, take the time to dress them in a way that will excite the receiver. Take the time to get to know what your mate enjoys and use that as your key to giving the perfect gift.
Ideas for expressing Receiving Gifts
Flowers
A favourite treat
Tickets
Buy them a candle with a scent they love
Jewellery
Create a lovers box, including some of the above items, but also include massage oil, an invitation to dinner and a bottle of their favourite beverage (just an example).
Quality Time
Undivided attention is the essence of this language; it is about being totally present. When your together, be together, put the phone away, keep lots of eye contact and don’t rush the time.
Ideas for expressing Quality Time
A romantic dinner
Taking a long walk
Playing a game or doing a puzzle together
Learning something new together
Focused conversation
Sitting by the fire
Going on a road trip
Watching a movie together
Looking for ideas to help with Communication? Here is our Couples Communication Guide, full of tips and conversation starters.
Physical Touch
Sex is only part of this language and often not the most desired form of physical touch; it is often about those non-sexual but loving touches that make this person come alive.
Ideas for expressing Physical Touch
A gentle brush of your hand on their body as you pass by
Hugging
Kissing
Holding hands
Massage
Placing your arm around them while going for a walk
Offering your hand to help them out of the car
Resting your hand on their leg or arm when sitting watching tele
Using the 5 love languages to enhance your marriage.
Loving your spouse in meaningful ways may need to be a choice; it may take learning to be multilingual. When we step up and choose to show love in ways that hit the mark, our relationship can’t help but improve for the better. Learning to speak your lover’s language is not about disregarding the ways you give and receive love; It is about expanding how you give out love and bless the one you choose to do life with. With a little forethought, you could create an experience that expresses multiple languages.
As one commentator pointed out, learning your partner’s love language is not about what benefits you, but it is about selflessly giving to your partner. It has to be said that if there are issues in your marriage, this may only have a small effect, and as always, I advocate finding a counsellor that can help you work through any issues and help you build a stronger marriage. The 5 love languages is a tool that can help build intimacy but is not a cure-all.
Conversation Tips and starters
Introducing a new tool into a relationship can be frustrating and daunting, but it does not have to be. If you are wanting to have a conversation about love languages then create a space for it to happen. I would not suggest having this sort of conversation when tension is high, but you could let your spouse know that you have an idea you want to talk about and ask them to set aside an evening for cheese, wine and the idea. As I said above, learning to express love to your lover in a way they can receive is about them, and that should be key in the way you talk about the 5 love languages, it is about you doing better, both of you gaining understanding about each other and growing closer together.
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
Plans a trip for just the two of you?
Runs the errands or do the laundry?
Holds your hand while you’re walking?
Get Creative and Have Fun using the 5 Love Languages
I love the fact that as you get to know the ideas and expressions within the 5 Love Languages, you can create your own multi-lingual expressions; just as I suggested the lover’s box in receiving gifts, you could invite your spouse on a date, enjoy great quality time, show expressions of Physical touch with hand holding a quick kiss as you open the car door. Once you get thinking, the expressions and combinations can be endless, and your lover will know they are loved, feel they are loved and have an abundance of love to give you in return.
I pray you choose to be more intentional in loving that special someone God has brought into your life, and I wish you all the fun in the world as let your creative juices flow in your expressions.
Did you know that just like receiving love differently, we give and accept apologies differently as well? To learn more about apology languages, check out this blog.
I would encourage you and your spouse to visit Dr Chapman’s page and do the quiz to help you identify your love languages. To go deeper into the 5 love languages, here is a link to get your copy of his book.
NB: all links to 5lovelanguage.com are for informational purposes, and I have no affiliate with them.
