Have you ever apologised to your spouse or anyone else and felt they did not hear you? That the apology you had genuinely expressed had fallen flat? How do we make our apology count?

You are not alone; getting an apology right is not as simple as I am sorry or I was wrong, but they are a great start.

Recently Phil and I were introduced to apology languages. Just as we have a prominent language to express love, we also have a primary language that helps us accept an apology and forgive more readily.

Finding the Book – When Sorry isn’t enough

I found the book on apology languages in my quest to learn more. Dr Chapman and Dr Jennifer Thomas spent years researching apologies and how language can impact relationships. The book “When Sorry isn’t enough” results from those years of research. (rebranded as the 5 apology languages -the secrets to healthy relationships)
We will look at their teachings and how we can improve how we apologise to our spouses and others.

I have learned fascinating things about myself by looking at this and taking the apology quiz on the 5 love languages website. This knowledge has helped me understand some of my responses to apologies in the past, and I hope you will be on the way to making your own discoveries by the end of this post.

According to Dr Chapman and Dr Thomas, the five languages of apology are:

Expressing Regret

Accepting Responsibility

Making Restitution

Genuinely Repenting

Requesting Forgiveness

By understanding the different expressions of apology, we can develop a way to help us express our hearts and allow the receiver to hear our genuine apology.

Expressing Regret

When you take ownership of wrongdoing, you are expressing regret. For the person expressing regret, the words I am sorry with loving, strong body language can be all that is needed. The person listening for the expression of regret is not looking for lengthy explanations or deeds to make things right; they see the direct, heartfelt “I am sorry” as enough, but when telling someone you are sorry, be more specific.

“I am sorry that I got angry and yelled at you.”

or

“I wish I had not done that”

or

“I’m sorry I came home late.”

Accepting Responsibility

 This one can drive a shiver down many a strong person’s spines. Accepting or admitting responsibility can be challenging, but it is a vital part of an apology for some of us. As adults, we all make mistakes, but when it comes to saying I was wrong, we might as well climb Mt Everest. If you are a person who looks for your spouse to say the words I was wrong, I made a mistake, and they are not in an apology, you might as well have said should I walk the dog.

“I was wrong,”

“My behaviour was out of line, and I should not have done that,”

“There is no excuse for that,”

or

“I take full responsibility.”

Declaring I am wrong can be some of the most challenging words, but they can be the most freeing and lead to accepting your apology when genuinely spoken.

Requesting Forgiveness

For some people, hearing will you please forgive me is the point where an apology becomes meaningful. When you request forgiveness, you accept responsibility and allow the person to extend that forgiveness. In asking your spouse to forgive, you are taking it further, and the spouse who hears you requesting forgiveness as an apology will be able to accept your heart, and we will learn through this humble act.

“I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

“Will you forgive me?”

“I value our relationship, I know I’ve hurt you, and I hope you will forgive me.”

GenuinelyRepenting

When you genuinely repent, you are not only saying sorry, will you forgive me, but you are saying you will work at changing the behaviour. For some, an apology is incomplete until the desire to change is shared. Verbalising your intent to change is key to the person whose apology language is genuinely repenting.

“I don’t like what I did. I don’t want to do it again. Are we able to talk?”

“Can we put together a plan to help me stop doing this?”

“I am sorry I hurt you; I am working on changing that behaviour.”

Making Restitution

How can I make things right? Making restitution may seem like a weird thing to have in an apology, but the need for restitution is genuine for some.

For a spouse who has this language making things right says they are loved, and rebuilding faith, trust, and love is essential to feel and see. 

Ways to make things right can vary depending on what led to the need for the apology; understand, making restitution can be working at being present, or there may be a material repair needed as part of the apology.

“How can I make this up to you?”

“What can I do to make this right?”

“Is there any way I can help you fit back in?”

Can I replace that?”

Tips for making our apology count.

Include at least two apology languages in your genuine apology. The more you include, the more likely you are to be heard.

You are OFFERING an apology and ASKING forgiveness. The response of the other person is not guaranteed. Demanding the desired result could/will get in the way of genuine apologies and worsen things.

Understand that we all hear an apology differently. So let’s learn to become multilingual in apology. The person you are apologising to may need to process the event or even the apology.

By becoming fluent in other ways of apologising, you can genuinely offer an apology that can be heard and excepted.

Make a point to discover your spouse’s language and learn to speak that language.

Why not do the love language quiz by combining the two lots of knowledge you can learn about yourself?

 

You are admitting fault, taking responsibility, apologising and offering an olive leaf to your spouse; please don’t make it about you and your past. An apology is not the time to pass blame or make excuses for your behaviour. Yes, there may be past hurts or other factors that played a part in your behaviour, but to the person you are apologising to, it is about your behaviour towards them.

Humility is a powerful tool, and the more we look at apologising, the more it becomes about us humbling ourselves and putting the need to put the hurt of the person above our need to be correct.

Lessons learned

I have found this subject fascinating, and as I have been working on this over the last few weeks, I have learned some insightful lessons.

Knowing that the need for restitution was a real thing explained and allows me to understand why I could not let go or fully accept an apology because that component was missing was liberating and educational. It also left me wondering how I could grow to see others’ genuine attempts at apologising.

Phil may speak my apology language without being aware. I took the quiz over on 5lovelanguages.com, and my primary way of hearing an apology is to make restitution. His primary love language is acts of service, so he always does things to show he loves me.

As I tried to think of a time when I had not felt that Phil had apologised, I could not think of one. Because of this fundamental fact, Phil naturally spoke my apology language in how he shows love. The result was forgiveness and the ability to move past the situation, almost with realising.

I reflected on other situations with other people and how I still feel the sting of the case years later. Self-reflection helped me become aware of how often I felt/thought I couldn’t move on because they had not offered restitution. I need to work on this.

Getting to know my expectations and how I let them guide my reactions. What can I do to learn to hear and accept others’ sincere apologies? Not everyone we do life with will get it right.

Where to from here for you?

A quick way to get an idea of your primary apology language is to review the above descriptions and see which one resonates with you. 

Visit 5lovelanguages.com and complete the apology language quiz.

Could I suggest inviting your spouse to do likewise, and together you can learn how to communicate genuine apologies the next time the needs arise.

Knowing all the apology languages and remembering that we all need to hear and naturally apologise in our primary love is a critical first step to accepting and offering genuine restorative apologies. Often, we may not hear other people’s hearts, but we can grow in understanding and accepting those honest apologies as we broaden our apology language library.

Conversation Starters

Do you know what you look for in an apology?

What stood out to you in this post?

How do you think your love language and apology languages work together?

When did you feel it was easy to accept an apology?

Can you think of a time when you could not let something go even though an apology had been offered?

In closing, I want to leave you with this thought. I am sure you have heard that there comes a time when love is a choice, a decision, and so is forgiveness. You have to choose to accept the apology and give forgiveness. Let’s become multilingual in speaking an apology, so next time we genuinely want to make things right, we can be heard, and the relationship can be restored.

Here is an episode of our podcast talking about perspectives, and I touch on how understanding our apology language can affect our perspective.

Looking for more, here is a blog on reconnecting with your spouse. Not only is it important to apologise, but we need to choose to stay connected.

 

NB: all links to 5lovelanguage.com are for informational purposes, and I have no affiliate with them.