Choosing Each Other Daily: Keeping Jesus at the Centre of Your Marriage

Over the last five years, God has been developing in me a deep passion and care for marriages. Not because marriage is perfect, but because it is precious and worth fighting for. Marriage is a gift from God, and sadly, people can throw it away so easily.

Listening to couples over the years, walking alongside people in different seasons, and doing a lot of research and reflection, I’ve learnt something really important: most marriages don’t break quickly; they grow apart.

The straw that breaks the camel’s back often gets the blame, but the real problem has usually been building for a long time, sometimes for years.

For many long-term marriages, the issue isn’t one big crisis. It’s neglect, or taking for granted that the vows we shared will carry us no matter what and that the person on the receiving end of those vows will always be there.

It’s growing apart.

This isn’t about condemnation. It’s about awareness and perhaps taking the time to ask ourselves some simple but important questions.

Is this relationship worth fighting for?

Am I prepared to do my part to rediscover or deepen our connection?

Who is this person I married?

And how can I love them better moving forward?

There are, of course, very real and painful reasons why marriages end. Infidelity, abuse, addiction, financial issues and destructive behaviours or life choices can do enormous damage and need compassionate, wise pastoral and professional care.

I’m not glossing over those situations, and this isn’t written to speak into them. I’m talking about marriages where there hasn’t been a major crisis, but over 10, 15, 20, or more years, you’ve simply grown apart.

Because one of the greatest threats to marriage isn’t always disaster. Often it’s slow, quiet, unattended drifting.

Marriage Was God’s Idea

Genesis 2:24 says:

“That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.”

In context, God is in the middle of creation. He has formed the heavens and the earth, the sea and dry land, the animals, and then Adam. There is no suitable partner for Adam, so God brings forth a woman from man.

Marriage begins with God’s initiative.

It isn’t something culture invented. Marriage was God’s design, and from the beginning we see unity, partnership and fruitfulness woven into it.

When we remember where marriage began, we remember why it matters.

Marriage isn’t kept alive by romance alone. It takes intention, but it takes continuing to love, honour and cherish the person you have chosen to do life with.

This means choosing each other daily.

Sometimes the Quilt Needs a Good Shake

Many years ago, God gave me the picture of a quilt, and over the years I have come back to it many times. I think it gives us a really helpful picture of what can happen in marriage.

When you first put a brand-new feather quilt on your bed, all the feathers are beautifully distributed, and it keeps you warm from head to toe.

But after you’ve slept under it for a while, the feathers start making their way down towards the bottom. They bunch up, and the middle of the quilt becomes thin. It’s no longer keeping you as warm as it should because everything has moved out of place.

Do you throw the quilt out?

No.

You pick it up, give it a good shake and redistribute the feathers so they can do their job again.

Marriage can be a bit like that.

After a while, our covenant relationship can get pushed towards the bottom as careers, children, sport, responsibilities and, dare I say it, even church take more and more of our focus.

None of those things is necessarily wrong. Many of them are good and important parts of our lives. But our priorities can shift without us really noticing.

Just as you have to be purposeful about shaking that quilt, sometimes we need to be purposeful about repositioning our marriage and how we do life together.

How Do We Grow Apart?

When you first get married, you don’t usually think about growing apart. You’re joined at the hip.

You want to do everything together. You talk constantly. You laugh, cuddle and kiss. You build each other up. You buy little gifts just because. You prioritise each other without really thinking about it.

Even doing the housework together can be a pleasure!

Then life happens.

You get comfortable. Jobs change. You move. Children arrive. Life gets busier, and responsibilities multiply.

Without deliberately deciding to do it, the marriage gets pushed further down the list.

We can stop choosing each other daily and slowly begin to lose each other. Things our spouse does start to annoy us. We might wonder who this person is now or even forget what drew us to them in the first place.

Faithfulness is built daily. Closeness is built daily. Connection is built daily.

There is an intentional choice in saying, “I choose you today.”

That isn’t always easy, particularly in the middle of busy seasons. Parenting chaos, working long hours and everything else demanding our attention can make prioritising marriage difficult.

But even in the busyness, you can find precious moments of connection. Sitting down over a cuppa. Taking a few minutes to actually listen. Finding small ways to remind the other person, I still choose you.

And when we have children, we’re also modelling marriage to them.

Not a perfect marriage. A real marriage.

Offers love and forgiveness. One that reconnects and apologises. A marriage where Mum and Dad choose each other again. One where our children can see that our spouse matters to us.

As we do our best to live Christ-centred lives, marriage included, our children get to see that marriage is something we value and work at, and most importantly, that God is at the centre of it.

Sometimes It’s the Little Hurts

Often, what pushes us apart isn’t a crisis. It’s a buildup.

Little hurts. Little disappointments. Moments when we didn’t care well. Missed communication. Feeling misunderstood. Times when priorities shifted the wrong way.

Sometimes choosing each other means humbling ourselves enough to say, “Hey, I’m sorry. I want to do better. I want to love you better.”

Forgiveness can clear space for reconnection.

Sometimes it might also mean choosing to lay something down, even for a season, so your spouse knows they matter, and your marriage is a priority.

What Does Choosing Each Other Look Like?

It doesn’t always need to be complicated.

Have honest conversations and build each other up. Treat your spouse to something they enjoy. Make time for each other. Put the phones down. Do something simply because you know it will bless them. Make an effort to connect physically throughout the day. Pray together.

And learn to listen.

Not listening so you can work out what you’ll say next, but listening to actually hear your spouse.

Often that means asking a clarifying question: “Did I hear you say…?” or “Just to clarify, did you mean…?”

Sometimes it’s simply acknowledging the emotion behind what they’ve shared: “I’m sorry that happened,” or “I’m so happy for you.”

That’s empathy and love in action.

You can also ask questions that take you beyond the day-to-day logistics of life:

What are three things you’re grateful for today?

If you could design our weekend, what would we do?

What could I do better?

Tell me something you’re proud of.

What do we do well as a couple?

Can we start praying together regularly?

Questions like these invite honesty and connection. When we listen to the answers and ask more questions instead of moving on quickly, we keep getting to know the person we’re married to now.

Because neither of us is exactly the same person we were when we said “I do.”

Keep Dating Your Spouse

Phil and I have always made dates a priority. Even when our kids were young, a family in our church would look after their teenagers at least once a month so we could go out together.

But a date doesn’t have to mean an expensive restaurant or an elaborate night out.

It can be going for a walk, sitting on the back deck catching up on the day, watching a movie, playing a board game or spending time together in the car. One of our regular dates has even been our fly-in date nights when work and life have made that option available to us.

And yes, it can also be a weekend away or dinner somewhere lovely.

You’re really only limited by your creativity, your circumstances and the things you enjoy doing together.

Don’t be afraid to try something new together either. You never know when you might discover a new shared interest.

Sometimes, though, giving the marriage quilt a good shake needs more than a date night or a conversation.

It might mean counselling or having someone wise in the middle who can help you talk things through.

Seeking counselling doesn’t automatically mean your marriage is on the edge. Sometimes it simply means you’re invested in making it stronger and willing to get help from someone who has the skills to help you find your way through something you haven’t been able to navigate yourselves.

But This Goes Deeper Than What We Can Do

We can talk about communication, dating, listening and making time for each other, and they’re all important.

But for me, this is where we have to go deeper.

Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 talks about the beauty and strength of companionship. Two are better than one. When one falls, the other can help them up. Two can defend themselves, and then we come to those familiar words:

“A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

For us as Christ followers, that third strand is God’s active presence in our lives and in our marriage.

But we can’t bring Jesus into the centre of our marriage if He isn’t already central in our individual lives.

Marriage transformation begins with personal surrender to God, renewing our minds through His Word and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in us.

Psalm 139:23–24 says:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

And Psalm 51:10 says:

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”

Notice what those prayers don’t say.

God, fix my spouse.

They say, in effect, God, start with me. Change my heart.

It is incredibly easy to see what the other person needs to change, but it can be much harder to come before God and say, “Give me eyes to see my spouse through Your eyes, a heart to love them well and show me where I need to change.”

Praying that way may not change your spouse.

But it will challenge you.

And if we allow the Holy Spirit to work, He can change us in ways we didn’t expect, not only in how we love our spouse but in how we love other people as well.

And really, that isn’t just a marriage lesson. That’s part of following Jesus for every one of us.

Choosing Jesus and Choosing Each Other

Ephesians 5:21 says:

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

That verse frames what follows as Paul talks about husbands and wives.

Submission isn’t about domination. It’s about honour, mutual and sacrificial. It’s Christlike.

We see wives respecting their husbands and husbands being called to love their wives as Christ loves the church, with sacrifice, tenderness, commitment and courage.

And in the middle of all of it, we see something bigger than marriage.

We see Jesus’ heart for His church.

Paul gives us this beautiful picture of Christ’s love for us, while also giving husbands and wives something incredibly challenging to live out in our own relationships.

This isn’t choosing Jesus or choosing our spouse.

It’s choosing Jesus and choosing our spouse.

Daily. Intentionally. Out of reverence for Him.

Maybe Change Starts With You

Sometimes it only takes one person to start making a change.

Maybe praying together feels like too much right now, or asking questions that make both of you vulnerable isn’t something you’re ready for yet. It could be that there’s some distance that isn’t going to disappear because you read one blog post and had a cup of tea together.

But you can start somewhere.

You can come before God and say:

God, I choose my spouse. Change me. Give me eyes to see, a heart to love and a tenderness to care.

If your marriage isn’t where it could be, change can start with you and God.

As you work on the areas He shows you and begin leaning toward your spouse again, my prayer is that, over time, they see your efforts and you can continue building something strong together.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

So perhaps these are the questions worth taking away:

Am I really choosing my spouse daily?

What do I want our marriage to look like in ten years?

How does the example of Ephesians 5 challenge or inspire me?

What do I want God to do in my heart for our relationship?

And perhaps most importantly:

How am I praying for my relationship with my spouse?